Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
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Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
You look like you would fail a DNA test