Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
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What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince