Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
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I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness