[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
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I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
🙂🙃🥹