“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
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£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!