Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
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A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year