Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
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Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
I have never related to a cat more
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.