No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
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One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha