Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
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You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
repaired
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
These 3D printers are insane!
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless