Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
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[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Big Sex has us all fooled
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.