[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
You Might Also Like
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”