I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
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*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
*praying for world peace*
God:
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.