people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
You Might Also Like
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
anyone else like Italian cereal
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.