If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
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I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.