My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
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Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
‘I know a black person’
– White people
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.