My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
You Might Also Like
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
My life in a nutshell
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee