I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
You Might Also Like
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.