My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
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Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.