Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
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Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.