Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
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Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs