I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
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y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
British people be like I’m Bri ish
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real