5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
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People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.