Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
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[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”