director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
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I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*