Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
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Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum