Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
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When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Meowchelangelo
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.