me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
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I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still