“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
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I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
that colleague who touches your screen
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]