a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
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When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
car not found
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.