I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
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If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Pandas 🐼🖤
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings