“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
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I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
ghosts: letâs only try to be seen by everyoneâs aunts & no one else
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; heâs expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
If you know, you know
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wallâ
Me: um, itâs fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! Iâd like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Def Leppard: âPour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of loveâ
Def Leppardâs Mom: âJust great! Now weâre going to have ants!â
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I canât have housekeeping thinking weâre slobs, Karen
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..đđ
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Last semester a student asked me why I hadnât graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasnât sure how to proceed.
Student said they didnât use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
đ«
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was âwe slidinâ i cant stop thinking about this
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: itâs a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Husband: I donât understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how thereâs three zeros after that decimal point but whateveâŠ
Oh
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.