I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
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How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
I have no passwords left in me
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*