My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
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pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.