A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
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God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
an octopus is just a wet spider
Ah yes. The three genders
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating