Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
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Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Cndnsd Mlk
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.