For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
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*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
I was up all night reading about insomnia
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
They did not think through this water fountain
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains