I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 馃槀馃槀馃槀
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I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I鈥檓 going to put it in the living room.
Husband: Don鈥檛 the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It鈥檚 at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I鈥檒l have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
mood
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there鈥檚 such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
On a recent tour of my son鈥檚 college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn鈥檛 think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I鈥檓 pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
women are like cars. sometimes there鈥檚 a squirrel living in there
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I鈥檓 pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that鈥檚 how I ended up in HR.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery