Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
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*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*