What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
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TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
😎 🍻
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.