Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
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I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Meanwhile in Portland…
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.