The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
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I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Very problematic
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again