*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
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ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
He died doing what he loved: being alive
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
this independent good boy don’t need no human
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”