Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
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I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
He wanted to make sure😂
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*