I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
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There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now