I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
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I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
File under excellent bookstore names.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
She was rare, like a goth jogging
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil