WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
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I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.