My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
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If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
who wore it better?
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull