Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
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My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy