FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
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In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
I know this now 😂
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal