Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
You Might Also Like
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
The smoothest fall of all time
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
<- sleeps well with others
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
I’m having an out of money experience.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord